Classroom Humour

Our favourite children, teacher and school-related jokes & puns. Please email us new ones and we'll add them to the list.

See also: Riddles for Children

Why does a Moon rock taste better than an Earth rock? Because it's a little meteor.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? No body nose.
How do you make an octopus laugh? Give it ten-tickles.
'I'm Buzz Aldrin and I'm the second man on the Moon. Neil before me'.
You matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light twice. Then you energy.
Why did the scarecrow receive an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Why are chemists so good at solving problems? They're always working with solutions.
The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar, and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
What did the nucler physicist have for lunch? Fission chips.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Right now I'm having amnesia and de-javu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Are you full of Beryllium, Gold and Titanium? Because you are Be-Au-Ti-full.
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A woolly jumper.
If I had 50p for every maths exam I've failed, I'd have £6.30.
Quantum Mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How can you tell when a bucket is sick? When it's a little pail.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith. 10 minutes after we arrived home, the dog made a bolt for the door.
I have a statistics joke, but it's not significant.
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were dating and I was like OMg!
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing. It's on the house.
What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day. It's still syncing.
How do you make toast in the jungle? Put it under the gorilla.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
What do you get if you cross a fish with an elephant? Swimming trunks.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it. Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What's a crocodile's favourite game? Snap!
What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music.
How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
Why do nine ants get to live in an apartment for free? Because they're not tenants.
A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint. The crew were marooned.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses on the bar floor.
What do you call a woman who's really good at fishing? Annette.
Did you just pick your nose? No, I was born with it!
What are the most dangerous parts of the human body? The shoulder blades.
How do lions row boats? They use r-oars.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please"
What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past.
What's round and extremely violent? A vicious circle.
What's a grasshopper's favourite sport? Cricket.
I came across a man and woman wrapped in a barcode, so I asked "Are you two an item?"
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia.
What's a cat's favourite button on the remote control? Paws.
The word 'Diputseromneve' may look ridiculous. But backwards it's even more stupid.
What does a house wear? Address.
Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker? They won the no-bell prize.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LI VI D
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin ∏.
"I have a split personality" said Tom, being frank.
What subject does a witch teach at school? Spelling.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.
If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor in the world, then Who is.
What is the centre of gravity? The letter 'v'.
Too much ∏ gives you a large circumference.
What did the mermaid wear to her maths class? An algae bra.
Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in the Universe. What do you get when you remove it? Gravy.
What do you call a hen that can count her own eggs? A mathemachicken.
What is the chemical formula for water? H I J K L M N O.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
I’m thinking of selling my theremin. I haven’t touched it in years.
Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Why can't Cinderella play football? Because she always runs away from the ball.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.
A photon enters airport security and is asked if he has any luggage. He replies "No, I'm travelling light".
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name.
I tried walking up a hill without a watch, but had neither the time nor the inclination.
A logician's wife gives birth. The doctor hands the newborn to the father. The wife says "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says "Yes".
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel Test.
Why was the maths book sad? Because it had so many problems.
Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, no minors."
A linguistics professor states during a lecture that "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." A voice from the back of the room pipes up "Yeah, right."
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" "No sun"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies "Easy! I'll let you know when I want more."
Can February march? No but April may.
I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help ... but I stand corrected.
What do you call a belt with a clock on it? A waist of time.
What did the buffalo say to his son on dropping him off at school? Bison.
A patient asks a doctor "What kind of work do you do?" The doctor replies "Oh, I work with kidneys." The patient responds "Nephrology or pediatric orthopedics?"
What do you call a magical dog? A Labracadabrador.
What do you call a bee that comes from America? A USB.
Using a broken pencil is pointless.
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if he'd like food with that. The black hole says 'No thanks, I'm a light eater'.
I was thinking of cracking a Sodium joke but Na.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Last night I dreamt I was weightless, I was like 0mg.
What do you call a bear with no ears? B.
Two quotation marks walked into a "bar".
You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Never date an apostrophe. They’re too possessive.
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can’t helium and you can’t curium then you’d better barium.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.
'I’m cold sir'. Well come and sit in the corner, it’s 90 degrees!
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
Heisenberg is driving his car and is pulled over by the police. "Do you know how fast you were driving sir?" "No idea - but I know exactly where I am".
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. The barman asks 'oliver or twist'?
Two sodium ions are walking down the street:
- I've lost an electron
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm positive
What did zero say to eight? Nice belt
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar and doesn’t.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
There are only 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don’t.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
What do you call a magical bra? An abracadabra.
A man knocks on the door of the Kremlin. 'Is Lenin?'
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.
The globe means the world to a social studies teacher.
A mathematician scared of negative numbers will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Teacher: 'Name two pronouns' Student: 'Who?' 'Me?'
I want to share my best chemistry joke but I'm scared I won't get a reaction.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will get this.
There are two types of people in this world:
1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete information
How do you comfort a grammar teacher? 'There, their, they’re'
My science teacher was absent today. He left a note that said, “Gone Fission”.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says 'Please leave, we don't serve your type'.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What do you get when a chicken lays eggs on a hill? Egg rolls.
What does it sound like when a nut sneezes? Cashew.
Why don't mathematicians sunbathe? Because they can use sin and cos to get a tan.
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove, it could spell disaster.
What do bones do to keep their breath fresh? Eat ligamints.
I went to the zoo yesterday. There was only one dog in it. It was a shihtzu.
'Can I ask you a question?' 'You just have'.
What do you call a bee that produces milk? A boobee.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix because you can't drink and derive.
Did you know 'gullible' isn't in the English dictionary?
Where should you leave your dog when you go shopping? In the barking lot.
Apostroflies are becoming more common; small insects that randomly land near a letter 's'.
I always give 100% at school. 20% on Mondays, 15% on Tuesdays, 30% on Wednesdays, 25% on Thursdays and 10% on Fridays!
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? It was over 90 degrees.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar and it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
What do you get if you integrate 1/cabin dcabin?
Log cabin.
And if you remember the constant - log cabin plus c - you'll get a houseboat.
What did the circle say to the cylinder? You’re so two-faced.
You can throw an envelope as far as you want, but it will still be stationery.
Why did Henry VIII put skittles on his lawn? Cos he had to take Ann Boleyn.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
Went to the Fibonacci conference last week; it was as good as the last two put together.
XX female
XY male
YYY Delilah
I like Geography. You know where you are with Geography.
Why do Geographers find mountains so funny? Because they’re hill areas.
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar - fresh as a daisy and bright as a button.
What’s so good about being Swiss? Well the flag’s a big plus.
What do you get if you cross literature with alcohol? Tequila Mockingbird.
Anyone in the class who doesn’t know what introspection means needs to take a long hard look at themselves.
I went on holiday last week. I got an odd-job man in, gave him a list of ten jobs to do while I was away. When I got back, he’d only done jobs 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
Man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate. Barman says 'That’ll be ATP'.
My friend just bought a bucket of Tipp-Ex. Huge mistake!
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity at the moment. I just can’t put it down.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
Who's the king of the classroom? The ruler.
What do you call an adorable angle? Acute angle.
Last night I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings. Then I realised I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
Why does Sweden have barcodes on all its ships? So they can scan-di-navy-in.
Which snake measures 3.14159 metres in length? A pi-thon.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
What’s your favourite element? Helium - I can’t speak highly enough of it.
What pencil did Shakespeare write with? 2B.
Why did the French chef never use two eggs? Because one egg is un œuf.
There was a kidnapping at school last week. It’s ok though, he was woken up.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
Why are decomposers popular at parties? They are fun-guys.
I've been working on a Scandinavian joke. But it's not quite Finnish...
Pascal, Newton and Einstein were playing hide and seek. Einstein was counting. Pascal ran and hid but Newton just drew a 1m square around himself. Einstein finished counting said 'Newton, found you!' 'No, you’ve found Pascal'.
Last night my classroom was broken into and all of the dictionaries were stolen. I'm lost for words.
Why can’t you run in a campsite but only ran? Because it's past tents.
I once had a girlfriend called Simile; I don't know what I metaphor.
I can’t think of any of my chemistry jokes, they Argon.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar. Had it only known.
How many joules in a kilojoule?
Class: 1000!
How many meters in a kilometre?
Class: 1000!
How many volts in a kilovolt?
Class: 1000!
How many whales in a killer whale?
At least half the class: 1000!
Geology rocks.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

Please email us new ones and we'll add them to the list