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Classroom Humour

Classroom Humour

Our favourite children, teacher and school-related jokes & puns
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  • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

  • I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

  • If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

  • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

  • Right now I'm having amnesia and de-javu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

  • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

  • What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A woolly jumper.

  • If I had 50p for every maths exam I've failed, I'd have £6.30.

  • Quantum Mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • How can you tell when a bucket is sick? When it's a little pail.

  • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

  • What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato.

  • I bought a dog from a blacksmith. 10 minutes after we arrived home, the dog made a bolt for the door.

  • I have a statistics joke, but it's not significant.

  • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

  • How much does a chimney cost? Nothing. It's on the house.

  • What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.

  • I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day. It's still syncing.

  • How do you make toast in the jungle? Put it under the gorilla.

  • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

  • What do you get if you cross a fish with an elephant? Swimming trunks.

  • I always knock on the fridge before opening it. Just in case there's a salad dressing.

  • What's a crocodile's favourite game? Snap!

  • What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music.

  • How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.

  • What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care.

  • What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.

  • Why do nine ants get to live in an apartment for free? Because they're not tenants.

  • A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint. The crew were marooned.

  • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses on the bar floor.

  • What do you call a woman who's really good at fishing? Annette.

  • Did you just pick your nose? No, I was born with it!

  • What are the most dangerous parts of the human body? The shoulder blades.

  • How do lions row boats? They use r-oars.

  • A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please"

  • What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past.

  • What's round and extremely violent? A vicious circle.

  • What's a grasshopper's favourite sport? Cricket.

  • I came across a man and woman wrapped in a barcode, so I asked "Are you two an item?"

  • What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia.

  • What's a cat's favourite button on the remote control? Paws.

  • The word 'Diputseromneve' may look ridiculous. But backwards it's even more stupid.

  • What does a house wear? Address.

  • Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker? They won the no-bell prize.

  • I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LI VI D

  • What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

  • What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin ∏.

  • "I have a split personality" said Tom, being frank.

  • What subject does a witch teach at school? Spelling.

  • Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.

  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.

  • Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.

  • If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor in the world, then Who is.

  • What is the centre of gravity? The letter 'v'.

  • Too much ∏ gives you a large circumference.

  • What did the mermaid wear to her maths class? An algae bra.

  • Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.

  • Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in the Universe. What do you get when you remove it? Gravy.

  • What do you call a hen that can count her own eggs? A mathemachicken.

  • What is the chemical formula for water? H I J K L M N O.

  • What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

  • I’m thinking of selling my theremin. I haven’t touched it in years.

  • Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

  • Why can't Cinderella play football? Because she always runs away from the ball.

  • I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

  • What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.

  • A photon enters airport security and is asked if he has any luggage. He replies "No, I'm travelling light".

  • What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name.

  • I tried walking up a hill without a watch, but had neither the time nor the inclination.

  • A logician's wife gives birth. The doctor hands the newborn to the father. The wife says "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says "Yes".

  • How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

  • Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel Test.

  • Why was the maths book sad? Because it had so many problems.

  • Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet.

  • C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, no minors."

  • A linguistics professor states during a lecture that "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." A voice from the back of the room pipes up "Yeah, right."

  • "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" "No sun"

  • A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies "Easy! I'll let you know when I want more."

  • Can February march? No but April may.

  • I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help ... but I stand corrected.

  • What do you call a belt with a clock on it? A waist of time.

  • What did the buffalo say to his son on dropping him off at school? Bison.

  • A patient asks a doctor "What kind of work do you do?" The doctor replies "Oh, I work with kidneys." The patient responds "Nephrology or pediatric orthopedics?"

  • What do you call a magical dog? A Labracadabrador.

  • What do you call a bee that comes from America? A USB.

  • Using a broken pencil is pointless.

  • A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if he'd like food with that. The black hole says 'No thanks, I'm a light eater'.

  • I was thinking of cracking a Sodium joke but Na.

  • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

  • Last night I dreamt I was weightless, I was like 0mg.

  • What do you call a bear with no ears? B.

  • Two quotation marks walked into a "bar".

  • You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

  • What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  • Never date an apostrophe. They’re too possessive.

  • The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

  • What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

  • What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can’t helium and you can’t curium then you’d better barium.

  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

  • How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.

  • 'I’m cold sir'. Well come and sit in the corner, it’s 90 degrees!

  • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

  • Heisenberg is driving his car and is pulled over by the police. "Do you know how fast you were driving sir?" "No idea - but I know exactly where I am".

  • Charles Dickens walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. The barman asks 'oliver or twist'?

  • Two sodium ions are walking down the street:
    - I've lost an electron
    - Are you sure?
    - Yes, I'm positive

  • What did zero say to eight? Nice belt

  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  • Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar and doesn’t.

  • This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

  • There are only 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don’t.

  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

  • What do you call a magical bra? An abracadabra.

  • A man knocks on the door of the Kremlin. 'Is Lenin?'

  • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

  • What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.

  • The globe means the world to a social studies teacher.

  • A mathematician scared of negative numbers will stop at nothing to avoid them.

  • Teacher: 'Name two pronouns'  Student: 'Who?' 'Me?'

  • I want to share my best chemistry joke but I'm scared I won't get a reaction.

  • There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will get this.

  • There are two types of people in this world:
    1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete information

  • How do you comfort a grammar teacher? 'There, their, they’re'

  • My science teacher was absent today. He left a note that said, “Gone Fission”.

  • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says 'Please leave, we don't serve your type'.

  • When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

  • What do you get when a chicken lays eggs on a hill? Egg rolls.

  • What does it sound like when a nut sneezes? Cashew.

  • Why don't mathematicians sunbathe? Because they can use sin and cos to get a tan.

  • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

  • If you leave alphabet soup on the stove, it could spell disaster.

  • What do bones do to keep their breath fresh? Eat ligamints.

  • I went to the zoo yesterday. There was only one dog in it. It was a shihtzu.

  • 'Can I ask you a question?'  'You just have'.

  • What do you call a bee that produces milk? A boobee.

  • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

  • A synonym strolls into a tavern.

  • Alcohol and calculus don't mix because you can't drink and derive.

  • Did you know 'gullible' isn't in the English dictionary?

  • Where should you leave your dog when you go shopping? In the barking lot.

  • Apostroflies are becoming more common; small insects that randomly land near a letter 's'.

  • I always give 100% at school. 20% on Mondays, 15% on Tuesdays, 30% on Wednesdays, 25% on Thursdays and 10% on Fridays!

  • Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? It was over 90 degrees.

  • A run-on sentence walks into a bar and it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

  • Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

  • What do you get if you integrate 1/cabin dcabin?
    Log cabin.
    And if you remember the constant - log cabin plus c - you'll get a houseboat.

  • What did the circle say to the cylinder? You’re so two-faced.

  • You can throw an envelope as far as you want, but it will still be stationery.

  • Why did Henry VIII put skittles on his lawn? Cos he had to take Ann Boleyn.

  • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

  • Went to the Fibonacci conference last week; it was as good as the last two put together.

  • XX female
    XY male
    YYY Delilah

  • I like Geography. You know where you are with Geography.

  • Why do Geographers find mountains so funny? Because they’re hill areas.

  • I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

  • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar - fresh as a daisy and bright as a button.

  • What’s so good about being Swiss? Well the flag’s a big plus.

  • What do you get if you cross literature with alcohol? Tequila Mockingbird.

  • Anyone in the class who doesn’t know what introspection means needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

  • I went on holiday last week. I got an odd-job man in, gave him a list of ten jobs to do while I was away. When I got back, he’d only done jobs 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

  • Man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate. Barman says 'That’ll be ATP'.

  • My friend just bought a bucket of Tipp-Ex. Huge mistake!

  • I'm reading a book on anti-gravity at the moment. I just can’t put it down.

  • A dyslexic walks into a bra.

  • Who's the king of the classroom? The ruler.

  • What do you call an adorable angle? Acute angle.

  • Last night I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings. Then I realised I was just Tolkien in my sleep.

  • Why does Sweden have barcodes on all its ships? So they can scan-di-navy-in.

  • Which snake measures 3.14159 metres in length? A pi-thon.

  • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

  • What’s your favourite element? Helium - I can’t speak highly enough of it.

  • What pencil did Shakespeare write with? 2B.

  • Why did the French chef never use two eggs? Because one egg is un œuf.

  • There was a kidnapping at school last week. It’s ok though, he was woken up.

  • An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

  • Why are decomposers popular at parties? They are fun-guys.

  • I've been working on a Scandinavian joke. But it's not quite Finnish...

  • Pascal, Newton and Einstein were playing hide and seek. Einstein was counting. Pascal ran and hid but Newton just drew a 1m square around himself. Einstein finished counting said 'Newton, found you!' 'No, you’ve found Pascal'.

  • Last night my classroom was broken into and all of the dictionaries were stolen. I'm lost for words.

  • Why can’t you run in a campsite but only ran? Because it's past tents.

  • I once had a girlfriend called Simile; I don't know what I metaphor.

  • I can’t think of any of my chemistry jokes, they Argon.

  • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar. Had it only known.

  • How many joules in a kilojoule?
    Class: 1000!
    How many meters in a kilometre?
    Class: 1000!
    How many volts in a kilovolt?
    Class: 1000!
    How many whales in a killer whale?
    At least half the class: 1000!

  • Geology rocks.

  • A bar was walked into by the passive voice.


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  • Adam Majorosi
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  • Fulldome Factory
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  • SAT
  • Amr Ellaithy
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